What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 01:10
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I think the readers, may guess!
But it wasn’t much.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do most Indian women cuckold or cheat on their husbands?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Has a cop ever said something to you which was completely unexpected?
He knew the spot.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Especially a lifetime of it.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
What’s something you’ve learned that you think everyone should know, but nobody talks about?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
What is the lowest probability event you have personally witnessed?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im still living with it.
I was seconnd youngest,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I don,t even have a pension.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My family never makes their pension either.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I never cut or harmed myself..
Comes on , in middle age.
We all went to grammer schools
Ive learnt so much.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was scared of men, in general
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I write beautiful poetry .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I have no regrets .
One cannot live in the past .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
She loved him until the end.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She was in good health!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were not on the streets..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is soul school!.
All the time i was locked up.
Would this be the day?
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She married twice! .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
(And it was in our own minds.)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was very sick at this time too.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I waited trembling.
She found it foreign!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I said to her
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When she asked me how she looked .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was 9 years of age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What did i know ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.